I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
