So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
