i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Randomize
