Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
