I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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