His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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