Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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