I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
too bad you live with your parents still
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
