What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
