I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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