This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
My ATM looks so different sober.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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