You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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