I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We have so much sex to catch up on
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
