I want to have your abortion
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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