I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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