i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
