Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
