I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
