I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
