Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You are the jesus of drinking
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I just gargled with NyQuil
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
