Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
