The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
