I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
