I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
It's not a walk of shame if you run
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
