the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
