so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm just crazy horny about you
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
