i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
