I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
did i walk over a car last night?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
