I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
