How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
