I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
