I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
