Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
