Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
