I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
