the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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