R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
