i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
