today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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