Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i drank out of a bidet.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
