i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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