haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
