I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
True strength comes from lack of pants
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
