Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
