This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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