Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
