dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
