I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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