I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
