I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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