can we get nightvision for the apartment?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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