Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Randomize
